September 4th, 2009
Talking and togetherness lower a man's testosterone levels and increase stress and depression. To re-balance, and raise testosterone, a man needs "man cave" time to chill out, focus on something, be alone--think workshop. Women, on the other hand, get stressed/depressed when their oxytocin levels go down. They get oxytocin from being with others and talking--think quilting bee.
Notes from "Cave Time for Guys?":
"Cave time is not personal. A man doesn’t do it to spite his woman.... Intimacy stimulates the hormone oxytocin. In a woman, this hormone lowers her stress and gives her an overall sense of bliss. In a man, it lowers his testosterone hormone, thereby increasing his cortisol levels and his stress. Men need time alone to do masculine things, ... to rebuild their supply of testosterone. Testosterone does to men what oxytocin does to women. This is why he retreats into his cave."
"[Mars/Venus author John Gray PhD] always jokes that if you want something from your man during cave time, it better be important, because it could be the dragon who answers. And dragons are notorious for breathing fire at beautiful innocent maidens."
".... Unfortunately, we women have an incredible talent for making men feel guilty.... [Your man can] feel like he is wrong for needing his cave time, and it makes him feel angry that he is upsetting the one he loves. Men feel responsible for their woman’s happiness. It’s not their job but that’s the reality. He sees you are not happy with him pulling away and it makes him feel worse. Thereby stressing him out and extending his cave time."
"There is no set time for a man to be in his cave. Sometimes it’s an hour. Sometimes it’s a week."
"[Mars/Venus author John Gray PhD] always jokes that if you want something from your man during cave time, it better be important, because it could be the dragon who answers. And dragons are notorious for breathing fire at beautiful innocent maidens."
".... Unfortunately, we women have an incredible talent for making men feel guilty.... [Your man can] feel like he is wrong for needing his cave time, and it makes him feel angry that he is upsetting the one he loves. Men feel responsible for their woman’s happiness. It’s not their job but that’s the reality. He sees you are not happy with him pulling away and it makes him feel worse. Thereby stressing him out and extending his cave time."
"There is no set time for a man to be in his cave. Sometimes it’s an hour. Sometimes it’s a week."
Then there are the Six Stages of Depression on Mars ... many of which I've undergone in recent years! Yikes! Exhaustion and apathy, boredom, resistance ... the linked article explains the hormonal mechanisms involved. I had no idea!!
And finally, What a Woman Can Do For the Man in Her Life. "What may look like a lazy, self-centered, and uncaring male, in actuality, may be a male exhibiting the symptoms of stress and low levels of testosterone."
"Whether it’s helping with dinner or cuddling on the sofa to hear all about your day, he simply is not ready immediately and trying to force him to talk too much or exhibit a lot of energy for the same things you’re doing could very well backfire."
"Before helping her partner raise his testosterone, a woman needs to help herself. That is, she needs to replenish the oxytocin that has been depleted during her workday. Oxytocin is that feel-good hormone that lowers a woman’s stress. Why Mars and Venus Collide is filled with simple suggestions for things a woman can do to build her oxytocin such as listening to her favorite music or taking a bubble bath. The idea in replenishing her oxytocin—and likewise, in him replenishing his testosterone—is that you are both making yourselves balanced again so that you can be there for each other."
"What a Martian seems to inherently know—but what a Venusian has to learn—is to take time for numero uno. This can seem like selfishness on the man’s part but, in actuality, he kind of has the right idea. A woman, the nurturer of the house, sees everyone else’s needs first before her own and sets her focus there, thinking that doing things for others will fulfill her. It can, but only to a point. A man is able to identify the moments when he needs to rejuvenate himself and wastes no time in making this happen."
"Before helping her partner raise his testosterone, a woman needs to help herself. That is, she needs to replenish the oxytocin that has been depleted during her workday. Oxytocin is that feel-good hormone that lowers a woman’s stress. Why Mars and Venus Collide is filled with simple suggestions for things a woman can do to build her oxytocin such as listening to her favorite music or taking a bubble bath. The idea in replenishing her oxytocin—and likewise, in him replenishing his testosterone—is that you are both making yourselves balanced again so that you can be there for each other."
"What a Martian seems to inherently know—but what a Venusian has to learn—is to take time for numero uno. This can seem like selfishness on the man’s part but, in actuality, he kind of has the right idea. A woman, the nurturer of the house, sees everyone else’s needs first before her own and sets her focus there, thinking that doing things for others will fulfill her. It can, but only to a point. A man is able to identify the moments when he needs to rejuvenate himself and wastes no time in making this happen."
That isn't quite the whole article I've quoted there. I don't have much hope that my woman will want me back. But, if she reads what I've posted here, maybe she and her next man (ifever, whoever, God bless them both) won't wind up like me, depleted and rejected.
OK, one more link: How to Create Healthy Space in a Relationship. I saw a reference to "rubber band time" and had to figure out what that meant. The article discusses cave, rubber band, wave, and well. In short--women, if your man seeks space to be alone, DON'T give him what YOU would want and seek him out to offer support. Men, if your woman is getting emotional, DON'T give her what YOU would want and let her be alone: be there and be supportive and understanding (even if you don't really understand). It's late now, and I better get ready for bed.
Oh, and it's really interesting and fun to take the Myers Briggs Type Inventory or a quickie online version such as this one ... read up on your results here--a nice site with breakdowns and explanations of the different types. This is the most eerily insightful "What ___ Are You?" kind of test I've ever seen; it tells me about parts of myself I never really knew!
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